Friday, January 17, 2014

Alex Rodriguez, Steroids, and Other Hot Stove Dope


A tall, shadowy figure stands in a dark, damp alley between two dilapidated buildings. A trench coat covers his custom tailored Italian suit. His left hand clutches a briefcase; his right hand holds a cell phone. Nervously, he looks at the time; “Seven fifty-three” he sighs, seven minutes remain until his meeting in this unlikely of locations. “Why here?” he protests to himself. In the distance he hears footsteps, and quietly ducks behind a trash dumpster. He thinks, “There’s got to be a better way to do this.” As the young couple passes by the entrance to the alley, a cat cries its protest in having his daily dumpster dinner so rudely interrupted by this well dressed stranger trying to hide.

Squatting behind the dumpster, the tall man wonders if the reason for him being there is going to show up. Wiping the clammy sweat from his forehead he hears the noise of an engine. Using the gap between the dumpster and a wall he sees the vehicle stop within feet of the entrance of his location. “This is it” he says, lifting himself to a standing position. An equally tall, quite muscular man also carrying a brief case exits the black sedan, and heads to the alley. “You there Ed?” the man quietly asks halfway through the alley. Ed was the code name for the transaction. “Yeah Pete, you got lettuce?” “Ed” replied. “Ed” and “Pete” meet, shake hands, and exchange briefcases. “Pete” turns and leaves the alley, followed, as previously planned, in exactly fifteen minutes by “Ed”.

Is this an excerpt from a Tom Clancy novel? No, this could have been the way Alex Rodriguez got steroids.

Atlanta Journal Constitution editorial cartoonist Mike Luckovich did a hilarious drawing on the A-Rod steroid scandal. Check it out here./

I understand A-Rod suing Major League Baseball in an effort to clear his name, but suing the union? Picture this scenario, Opening Day 2015, Rodriguez, in his first game since the suspension, gets plunked by Boston’s Clay Buchholz, or whoever the Yankees opponent is in game one. Angry, A-Rod charges the mound and nobody goes to his aid. Rodriguez better think twice about suing one of the strongest unions in this nation.

Comedian Dennis Miller chimed in on the A-Rod scandal during his segment on Fox News O’Reilly Factor. Miller claimed that he used so many steroids that Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner refers to A-Rod as “Mr. Proctober”.

Since the state of Colorado legalized recreational marijuana, it gives new meaning to “Mile High Stadium”. Will Coors Field change its name to “Reefer Field”? I guess exterminators in the Rocky Mountain State will have to thoroughly explain the process of “smokin’ roaches”.

Jon Davis wrote a great article last week about Reds rookie centerfielder Billy Hamilton on this forum. You would be hard pressed to find any other writer this side of the Cincinnati Enquirer who has more in-depth knowledge of the Reds minor leaguers.

Last week I made a satirical comment about Vice President Biden and our unofficial Ambassador to North Korea, Dennis Rodman. While I guess I should have kept that out of a baseball blog, a reader asked what I have against Mr. Biden. Out of fear of being audited by the I.R.S., my reply is absolutely nothing.

I asked a diehard Kentucky Wildcat basketball fan if he wished the ‘Cats had a guard like Ohio State’s Aaron Craft. I won’t repeat what he said.

Have a blessed week.

Dan Howard

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